I struggle to accept myself. I want to believe that it is natural for me to want to be a girl because there is a huge part of me that still says it’s wrong.
I worry that I only want to be a girl if I can be pretty and desirable. Sometimes I feel that’s the only way people will love me, because I feel worthless the way I am now.
I also realize that being pretty will not fix everything and comes with its own host of issues. But I tend to put pretty girls on pedestals, so that’s how my inner girl believes other people will treat her too.
That’s what the little girl feels, hidden away deep inside of my soul. She’s been beaten up and locked away for so long, she doesn’t know any better.
I worry that my yearning to become a girl is wrong and shameful. I feel like the universe is punishing me for having these feelings. I’ve lost my job, my friends–and I haven’t even come out. I’m afraid that if I do that, I will lose my family too, and then I will have nothing.
My logical brain says that maybe I was just born this way. Maybe I’ve got some undiagnosed biological basis for feeling this way. I’m otherwise healthy, so who would think to check that sort of thing? It feels like that would give me permission to want to be a girl. Somehow then it would be ok.
Sometimes I wish I could just make these feelings go away and be “normal” in the eyes of society. But hiding the feelings doesn’t make them go away. They just come back stronger. The girl is growing too big for the cage, and pretty soon the cage will break.
I might as well let her out. I want to let her out. I mean, look how cute and sad she is. Why should I be afraid of her?
So this blog and my tumblr are part of the work of accepting myself. I can express my inner girl’s needs and give her room to explore, grow, and mature. So what if she starts out a little shallow? At least she’s coming out of her shell. How else will she be able to grow up if she’s kept locked away?