1) I don’t know what to write or draw about
2) I keep trashing my writing and artwork before they are finished
I think it also ties in a bit with my previous post in a weird way. I struggle with my art because it’s not perfect. It never turns out the way I want to.
With the morphs, they aren’t realistic enough. Or I’ve feminized features too far. There’s always something. Plus I feel like I’m fighting the sense of obligation, especially when people make requests that aren’t too my taste. I want to please them. But it makes the swaps feel like a burden rather than being fun and being a release.
That sense of pressure carries over into my own original work.
I need to make more stuff and build up a body of work and hopefully an audience. If I have any hope of supporting myself through my art, then I’d better make some art!
Since I have lost my job, I’ve been scrambling to pick up freelance work, which has consumed my time. I’ve looked for jobs, which takes a lot of effort too. But so far nobody wants to hire me. It’s discouraging.
All of this means that I don’t have a lot of time to make art of my own. When I make swaps, it’s to make other people happy, but it is sacrificing my own time. It’s a good excuse for my perfectionist self to avoid doing work of my own. If I’m not making anything, then it I’m avoiding failure in a weird way. I don’t know why, but not doing anything is more acceptable to my brain than trying and failing.
So I need to break the cycle. It means ending my Patreon and freeing time for myself. It means forcing myself to write and draw and giving myself permission to be awful. It means letting myself explore different directions without worrying about a goal or branding or any of a million “should’s” in my head.
I think it also means exploring some NSFW stuff, which I’m hesitant to do because I feel it fetishizes my transgender nature. It somehow makes me less legitimate? Gender and sexuality may not be the same thing, but they are still linked. I think I need to explore it as I figure out how to be my authentic self, and I know it’s something I’ve avoided in the past.
The perfectionism even affects my desire to be female. In my head I have to be the perfect female, whatever that means. It’s another thing that I’m putting off rather than face being a regular old flawed human being.