I’ve been reading and re-reading this post on Deborah’s blog: Identit-T
I also just finished Rethinking Normal by Katie Rain Hill.
I am trying to stop focusing on all the things I am not. I am not cis man. I am not, or will I ever be a cis woman. I just don’t know what I am.
I’m not even sure if I’m transgender. Everyone seems so sure of themselves. And one big theme seems to be along the “if I hadn’t transitioned I’d be dead” variety. While I feel a deep unease and despair about my body, I don’t feel that I’m in a “transition or die” mentality. It’s a purgatory of sorts. I have a small drive towards transitioning or presenting as female. But it’s not so strong that I am depressed if I avoid it. On the occasions I have dressed up, the results are so disappointing that it is many years before I feel like attempting it again. Through it all, I feel like a fraud or that maybe I should try harder.
Someone wrote on their Twitter profile that they were going through a “digital transition.” I think that’s what I’m doing by establishing myself more fully online as my feminine self. I like that: digital transition. I’m able to express my inner self in some form online and don’t have to worry about my physical body so much. I think this is a good first step for me. It’s a tiny little virtual coming out. It helps ease some of the pressure. I wonder where it will lead. For now, it is enough.