I spoke with my therapist the other day about how I don’t like what guys are supposed to like.
Yes, I know that’s being stereotypical. Girls can like sports and gross-out comedy and locker room talk or other things that are “traditionally” male. I would say in general the people that I know still have the majority on one side or the other and the dividing line is gender.
I was at a reception, and once again, I did notice myself watching the guys behaving much differently from the girls. And I found the guys to be loud, drunk, and obnoxious. At least compared to my expectations. I don’t want to knock anyone, cause they are cool people and I liked meeting everyone. I’m more referring to the expectations of behavior being vastly different for girls and guys.
I suppose I could still be comfortable being a guy and holding myself to a different set of expectations of what it means to be masculine. But pretty much most of the things that are presented by American society and media as the masculine ideal are things that I find uncomfortable and distasteful.
Maybe that’s why I like Dr. Who so much. That version of masculinity is something that I can be a fan of. Smart, compassionate, stylish, eccentric, steadfast, and unafraid to be himself.
By comparison, I was flipping TV channels last night and happened to catch a hunting show. The hunter was camouflaged and hunting a 10-point stag with a compound bow. Unfortunately for me, I caught the show just as the stag turned to look at the hunter and the camera, and the hunter shot the deer from less than 10 feet away. His celebration over the corpse made me ill.
I know that people like hunting. Frankly, the deer in my neighborhood are the scourge of our garden. I know that animals are slaughtered all the time for food, and one trophy deer is tiny compared to that. I guess the thing that bothered me most is that this hunter was held up as something to admire and to aspire to as a masculine ideal. And I felt so far away from that.
At the same time I wonder what is wrong with me. Disagreeing with hunting for trophies doesn’t necessarily mean I should want to be a girl. So there’s a lot more going on with me than just liking different stuff than guys do. Right? There are plenty of guys who don’t like sports or drinking or whatever who are happy to be male. Why is it that I can’t be that way? Cause wanting to be a girl is becoming more and more painful all the time. And the more I want it, the harder I have to push it away and keep it buried.