Welcome to the relaunch of my blog. I migrated to a custom domain and spruced up the theme. I also turned off comments for now, though I am thinking about integrating Disqus here.
At any rate, this blog is more about a platform for my self-expression and exploration. I hope that other people will be interested in what I do on this blog, but I’m also trying to limit feedback because I don’t want to be unduly influenced in figuring out who I am. So this is also a semi-protected space for me to play in.
With this inaugural post for the new blog, a little re-introduction is in order. My mental state is also much different from my first post back in 2010, especially now that I’m seeing a therapist.
I’ve been wishing that I was a girl since as long as I can remember. When I was 4 or 5, I had a very vivid dream that felt like a memory that I had been born a girl. But it was important to my parents that their first born should be a son, and so they took me somewhere dark and scary to “fix” the problem. And so I’ve been a boy ever since. But the feeling that I should have been a girl has never quite gone away.
I’ve been running from that feeling for a long time. Over the last few years, I’ve bounced between extremes–either hiding from the problem, or trying to discover a root cause that might lead to a cure. I also wondered if my feelings were legitimate because my dysphoria is not constant and severe.
Today I’m at the point where I’m just realizing that this is part of who I am, and am struggling to just accept it for whatever it is. I’m just hoping to understand myself a little better so that I might be able to find some peace of mind.
Over the years, I’ve resorted to Photoshop to virtually dress. Photoshop also allows me to indulge the fixation that I have on becoming pop singers and characters from tv/film (or the actresses that play them). This fantasy is one of the reasons that I’ve worried that my desires are selfish and wrong, and not about wanting to be female just as myself.
Now that I’m working on accepting myself as-is, I’m finding that while this celebrity fixation is still a big part of me, it’s not the only reason that I want to be female. It is something that somehow came to dominate my thoughts as I tried to dam up all of these feelings. It was one of the thoughts that was strong enough to make it through the wall, and so I believed it was the only thought. Now that the dam is breaking, there’s a lot more going on than I can sort through.
I may not know what I want yet, but at least I know there’s more to figure out than just this one aspect.